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17 March 2008 @ 02:24 am


that felt good

17 March 2008 @ 01:24 am

jon foreman, "white as snow".

Have mercy on me, oh God
According to Your unfailing love
According to Your great compassion
Blot out my transgressions

Create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of Your salvation

The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart
Against You and You alond have I sinned

Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of my salvation

Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole

via previous vulnerable admission, the first word that comes to mind when i look over this past year is, "tired."

i am tired. tired of fighting. tired of defending the good things and hiding the bad things. the bad things that seem to find their way out tof the silence by casting an undefinable shadow over the good things thus, deeming them bad by association.

i am tired of the term "millenial" and "post modern". i am tired of lectures that repeat themselves. i am tired of repetitively discussing the one principle my four missions classes have had to offer; because, frankly, i knew before SEU that the way to reach diverse cultures is by learning the culture itself. you really arent enlightening the masses with that nugget of information, staples/houlihan.

matt is right. well, atleast for mine and his breed (i dont like to put many people into this classification, for their sake.) being in a wholly christian community has brought out the worst in me. i have become apathetic, self serving, self absorbed, and all in the sake of trying to "define" myself. ive been spending a lot of time eschewing my most irrational annoyance: fake, blind conformity. why is this an irrational annoyance? because, rational people should not be annoyed with the very conforming image they adhere to.

blah blech blargh.

i am a mix of emotions tonight. i want to chalk my experience up at southeastern to the "old college try". but its a contradictory assessment because, thats just why i want to leave. not at one point this year did i try at anything. i came with the card of foreknowledge in my back pocket. i used it more than once to get out of the "freshmen" activities that were below me. i knew the ins and outs and i didnt once let myself get truly vulnerable to a new experience. every move was a fabricated motion that i had worked out previously in my mind. i didnt take chances (ministerially that is) and now i want out.

i want to be james 1:27 again. orphans and widows.

i want to breathe again. i want to be alive in the knowledge that i am following your will. i want to quit suffocating myself with the environment i have created. i want to love you, talk to you, give you my decisions, give you my best. i want to live a life worthy of you.

enough of the ministry. if anything, i have learned this year that my calling has no tie to conventional ministry. i want to be with the sinners, the downtrodden. i want to use my easygoing nature to befriend those who have never heard the song "friend of god". geeze louise, i just want to have a loving conversation with someone who doesnt spout rutland 3:16.

this school is so good, and i am voicing this with all love and honesty. it really has so much to offer, but i think the soup kitchen ran out for my kind. 

i am seriously considering moving my studies to ucf or usf next year, but i want to do it with the most honorable of intentions. the clearest of consciences. the most god-mandated decision i make at this christian school, and i want to do it with integrity.

keep the prayers about my future objective and loving as i attempt to do the same.

19 December 2007 @ 02:31 pm

there is a line in the lindsay lohan version of "freaky friday" (embarrassing. i know) that goes a little something like this:

concerned mom- well i am just reading through her diary and i see that she is talking about some boy an awful lot
lindsay as her mom- what? ew! you should never read your daughters diary! and plus. i know she is not doing anything with that boy, because if she was.. she would be out there doing it, and not writing about it.

i am out there doing it, and not writing about it.

(and 'doing it' holds no sexual connotations whatsoever.)


11 December 2007 @ 11:49 pm
 mat kearney is the only artist on my itunes that has a different genre with every cd. i find it quite amusing. if i were an artist, i would want my music to be that undefinable.
06 December 2007 @ 11:34 am
"The years that are gone seem like dreams-- if one might go on sleeping and dreaming-- but to wake up and find-- oh! well! perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life." - Kate Chopin
06 December 2007 @ 12:33 am
We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.
03 December 2007 @ 05:21 pm
well, i have 10 more minutes until i can get my laundry and go eat dinner! thats fun!!
29 November 2007 @ 01:54 am

can i just once more discuss how dearly i love sufjan's cover of the star spangled banner?

it is just irreverant enough and profound enough and true enough to make me get chills when i hear it. and i love chills. of the many forced reflexes our bodies possess, the chills have to be the greatest. especially the kind that creep up your arms and shiver through your ears.

it should be close to the top on my 25 most played list, but i always repeat it before it gets to the ending. its that good. i sit around and wait until the last chord and then press back.

and the rockets red glare
and the bombs in the air
gave proof through the night
that our flag was still there

and the flag marked with blood
with the blood of our hands
and our hands marked with death
with the blood of a man

and the man on the cross
and the cross on our hearts

has it done nothing more than to drive us apart?
woah woah woah..

relient k has a christmas cd out? well blow me down. i had no idea.. what fun!
 wading through all your bad bad days, just to end them with someone you care about. 

or do you like making out? and long drives.. and brown eyes.. and guys that just dont quite fit in...

so i said, yes. i will see you then.

i am very happy. besides the fact that my face is peeling off due to new acne meds, i am quite content. i love it when things click. my furture is determined (well, at least for one more semester). my friends are friendly. my god is godly. my life is just plain lively.

i am reading more, and this excites me. i love lit-tra-chure. it soothes the soul and opens doors. it makes the most sense of my life without providing any sense at all. it understands me, and imparts insight into my most unnoticed idiosyncrasies. it is a vivified entity within the confines of paper. it is life.

i also have a boy that i hang out with quite oftenly. he looks like a beatle, plays guitar, and promises me that the rat-tail is next in line of hair adventures. when i introduce him, i say, "this is matt... my FRRIIEENND" because, apparently, the slower and louder you say a word the more meaning it implies. he is the first person i met that i can 100% say disproves my laziness=lack of intelligence theory. he is the reason i sleep all day. he is becoming more and more a person of worth in my life each time i see him .

i am also listening to sufjan's "seven swans". words cannot describe how i feel about sufjan. do you know the inspired feeling you get when you look upon van gogh's starry night? or read the defined diction in a marquez? just the feeling that though you may never be bold enough or fast enough or brilliant enough to discover it, there is a world of greatness out there. a truly fascinating world. a world that created the voltaires and brought to life the haight-ashbury district. and perhaps, the longer you study that peice of art, or that book, or even that song, the closer you will get to reaching this seemingly impenetrable world. by taking part in those objectively beautiful creations of art, you are riding on the coat tails of a movement you may never reach. but, in time it wont matter. you will find the ride a preferred substitute to the destination.

i am also quite thrilled about the prospect of living. life is such an amazing gift to me. 

i think it would be proper to end this entry with the immortal words of jack dawson, " i figure life's a gift and i don't intend on wasting it. you don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. you learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count. "